Testimony Challenge: My Story of Blessed Assurance

In the previous blogpost I discussed the importance of our stories and challenged each of you to start practicing your testimony and sharing it with others. The next couple of posts will be other believers’ testimonies, but I’m going to start it off by sharing my story with you in this week’s post.

Setting the Stage

Most of my childhood took place in Virginia. Being stateside missionaries, my dad worked with inner-city and at-risk youth and my mom had a ministry with teen moms. My earliest memories revolve around homeschool, ballet, soccer, and church on Sundays. Those four things “made up” most of my first eleven years of life. And they were lovely years.

I had friends and passions and comfort. I was learning and growing all while staying in my lovely little corner of “known” while a whole world of “unknown” whirled around me.

Meeting Jesus

At six years old, on October 31^st, —more commonly known as Halloween—my grandpa told me that it was his birthday. When I asked him where the cake and presents were he told me that this birthday was different: this was his birthday with Jesus.

I remember, the rest of the day I was thinking about my grandpa and how he acted and responded to situations; his love for others… his love for Jesus. I decided that if Jesus was what made my grandpa so kind and loving, I needed Him too.

That night, I crawled out of bed and went to my window. Folding my little hands, I thanked Jesus for dying on the cross for me, asked Him to forgive me of my sins. 

The next morning I told my parents and they walked me through it again, making sure that six-year-old-me understood what I was doing and what I had committed to.

The verse that has always stuck with me from that conversation is John 8:12 which says, “‘I am the light of the world, he who follows me shall not walk in darkness, but have eternal life.’” It reminded me of the hymn Amazing Grace. We once were lost…but now are found. 

Life Changes

Years after I accepted Christ, God completely changed the plans that I had for my life by calling my family into overseas missions. But His plans were far more beautiful than my own ever could have been.

I never doubted God’s existence, but when life got harder and I was shoved into “the real world,” I started to wonder if He had my best interests in mind.

The plans I had for my life were being shattered daily before my eyes. There I was, an eleven-year-old girl who had never left America and was suddenly dropped in a small little town tucked away in the French alps with no grasp of the language, no friends, and no idea what the future looked like except that it held even more “change”.

I remember thinking one day, “I know You’re real, God. And I know You don’t like how I’m acting or how I’m deliberately ignoring You. But if You don’t care about me…why should I care about You?”

Losing Sight of What Really Mattered

The more broken my world became, the farther away I roamed from God.

I didn’t read my Bible because I didn’t feel like He deserved my time or attention. Besides, there were other things…more important things. Like dance and friends and writing and schoolwork and…basically anything I could think of to do instead of spend time with God.

At the time I didn’t recognize, or understand, the trauma that came with overseas missions. I found myself slipping into depression and despair.

Simply said, He took last place in my life.

And I didn’t care.

Getting to Know God for Who He Is

While I was still struggling with these varying things, my parents started a morning habit where we all had to spend a certain amount of time with Jesus or reading the Bible every morning. At first mention of the idea, I was greatly annoyed. Thinking: shouldn’t that be my own decision?

However, with time, my perspective started to change. There was so much beauty and peace in what God’s Word – and God Himself – had to offer, while the world was spinning in a chaotic rush. Something I realized during that time was a bit hard to admit: I had been focusing on my opinion of God rather than taking the time to test those opinions by getting to know Him for Who He was (and is). 

Africa

Things were beginning to look up in France. 

Then we moved to Africa.

And I was bitter. Truly bitter.

I hated skirts. I hated the men for demeaning me just because I was a girl. The culture felt like my enemy. The weather triggered my chronic illness. And the list went on and on.

That’s when everything backfired. It’s like in a story where all the pieces are finally falling into place and then the antagonist does something drastic and everything flips upside down with no warning. No one expects it or sees it coming…it just happens.

Identity Crisis

Moving to Africa brought one of my deepest fears to life: I didn’t know where I belonged. 

Because “home” is associated with certain emotions in the English language, it becomes a feeling rather than a place. When you snatch that place away, but the feeling stays, it shakes your entire identity. It’s like you’re a puzzle with missing pieces. Which means not only did I not know where I belonged…but I didn’t know who I was.

When you lose sight of the One thing holding you together, logically, everything else falls apart. What is a servant if they don’t have a master? What is a masterpiece if it doesn’t have a maker? In the same way, who are we if we forget our Creator?

The God Who Calms the Oceans

You’d think that maybe I’d finally dug myself into a pit so deep that I couldn’t get out. And, in a way, that would be true. I couldn’t get out…not on my own. 

Later that year me and my dad were visiting the capitol; just sitting on the beach watching the waves when he randomly asked, “Who are you?”

And I broke down completely.

Because all the pain, all the chaos, all the changes and the unknown, led to that messy—but beautiful—moment.

And as I studied the way the waves crashed on the shore before being pulled back to the sea, I was reminded of something my dad always said “The waves listen to His voice…He tells them how far they can go, and when they need to return.” Then it started to rain. And that, to me, was almost like God’s way of saying you’re not okay…and that’s okay. You’re Mine…and I’m the same yesterday, today, and forever.

When Peter took his eyes off of Jesus while walking on the water, Jesus pulled him from the waves and said, “Oh you of little faith. Why did you doubt?” Why do we doubt? Are the waves really worthy of our distraction? 

The answer to that is quite simple: we doubt because we’re human.

We’re lost, gullible people that want something strong and steady to hold onto. We know that God is that unchanging, steadfast Being we need, but sometimes to follow Him we have to walk unstable ground. And that scares us. Because we can’t do it on our own. Yet, I think that is a beautiful thing.

Because if we could do it on our own…why would we need Him?

Jesus Changes Everything: Not Because of Who I Am…but Because of Who God Is

Paul says anyone in Christ is a new creation, but but he also says we should boast in our weaknesses. I think there’s a connection. We aren’t a new creation because of anything we’ve done. We are weak…but our God is strong. I’m still flawed and broken, but my scars are made beautiful by Yahweh’s love and grace. I don’t “have it all together” but I serve the God Who does. He brings beauty from the ashes.

The difference between now and then is not me…it’s Who I run to. I serve a God who wants me when I’m broken, seeks me when I turn astray, and loves me when my heart is full of hate. That changes everything. It changes how I see life, it changes my desires for the future, and it changes my intentions in every given moment.

I still say that I “met Jesus” November 1, 2011, because that was the foundation of my walk with Christ. I just had a lot of stormy waters in between, and more will come, that’s just a part of this messy life. 

The beauty of it all?

Yahweh is known for calming seas.