Testimony Challenge: Elle’s Story (Learning to Be Kind to Myself)

Introduction

In today’s testimony challenge, Elle Ryann shares her story of learning to love who God created her to be. Through her testimony she reminds us of how our Creator sees us, rather than how we see ourselves.

The Birth of My Testimony

I grew up in a loving Christian family that spent a lot of time investing in church activities and local ministries. My parents set a wonderful example for us kids by making Jesus the center of every schedule, commitment, and decision.

One day when I was six years old, I started thinking about how full-of-sin I was and was suddenly very afraid of going to hell. I remember telling my mom who took out the family Bible and showed me Acts 4:12 which says, “Salvation is found in no one else, for there is no other name under heaven given to mankind by which we must be saved.” She asked if I understood that Jesus was the only One that could save me, and I said yes. Then, she showed me Romans 3:23 and asked if I realized that I was a sinner. I told her yes again.

After this, she walked me through Romans 10:9 which says, “If you declare with your mouth, “Jesus is Lord,” and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, you will be saved.” When she was sure I understood (as much as a child can understand) what I was committing to, she prayed with me, and I accepted Jesus as my Lord and Savior.

Something I’ve always valued about that moment is that my mother mentioned John 15 and James 2:14-26. She explained that, as Christians, we should be producing spiritual fruit as a testimony to our faith. I appreciate her sharing that with me at a young age and helping me to understand that our actions are the proof of our faith, not the assurance.

Comparisons

When I entered middle school, I started to become very self-conscious. I began to compare myself with my older sister, Josie. The funny thing about the comparison is that Josie wasn’t your stereotypical ‘perfect girl’ when she was in highschool. She still got bad grades and had messy hair days. Plus, her adventuresome spirit got her in all kinds of trouble, and she got sent to the principle’s office more than once.

But she was confident.

That’s what I was jealous of.

I was the daughter with perfect grades and a respectful demeanor. The one that sweet, elderly ladies in the church’s back pews would smile and say is “a dear girl.” Which was a nice compliment—just not the compliment I wanted to hear.

I started becoming more aware and concerned with pimples, weight, teeth, hair, you name it. Instead of using my head-knowledge and exercising my gift to think critically and logistically, I closed my mouth in class and stopped talking. I didn’t want to get involved with extracurricular activities or hang out around people for fear of what they’d think if I said or did something dumb.

It wasn’t until several years later that I realized that what I was afraid of was actually…me.

Focusing on My Opinion More Than My Creator’s Opinion

During those years in middle school my every thought was spent trying to figure out ways to better fit in and live up to something I wasn’t meant to be. In a way, I was wanted to recreate my sister, Josie. I wanted to be an extremely confident, adventurous, outgoing, firecracker-of-a-person. And that’s just not who God created me to be.

But I wasn’t about to think that up at the time—because my primary focus wasn’t God anymore.

It was me.  

Childlike Faith and a Prayer in the Garden

One day I came home from school, exhausted from trying to live up to the expectations I had created for myself with no evident results I didn’t have many friends, no guys liked me, I was the shy girl, the quiet girl, the lonely girl, the weird girl, the everything-I-didn’t-want-to-be-girl.

And I was sick of it.

I retreated to the back porch with a book and sat down on the swing, crying. My little sister, Millie, five at the time, had been playing in the garden and walked over to the swing. She placed her little hand over mine and asked why I was sad. I told her that I didn’t know how to be happy anymore and she said, “have you talked to Jesus, Elle?”

Childlike faith is so simple but powerful.

I told Millie I would be okay, and she went off to play again. When she was gone, I knelt on the ground and rededicated my life to Christ, pouring out my heart to Jesus. And I know He heard. Because He loves His children. He loves to hear their voices and see their smiling faces. He loves us.

Even when we do not love ourselves.

The Testimony of God’s Love: Permission to Be Kind to Ourselves

It took a long time for me to accept myself. To realize that confidence looks different for each person—for Josie confidence is more like that of Anne from Anne of Green Gables (you know, dying her hair green, walking on a roof…that kind of thing) —for me, it simply meant loving myself for who God created me to be. I am His child. That is who I am. And I’m proud of that. That’s my testimony, simple and true: Jesus loves me. That is the only confidence I ever need.

Jesus cares about our every hurt. Our every struggle and pain. He knows our worries before we even voice them. But sometimes it takes voicing them for us to remember that He’s there.

I was angry at who He made me to be, ashamed of my “incompetence”, afraid of making a fool of myself. And during all that time I spent running around chasing an identity that didn’t belong to me, He loved me just the way I was. Ironic, huh? That the Great High King loved me when I couldn’t even like myself.

Our Father is awesome like that. He gives us permission to love ourselves. Not because of anything we’ve done, but because of everything that He already has done. He’s saying, my child…be kind to yourself.