Testimony Challenge: Rue M (God is Love)

Introduction

In today’s testimony challenge Rue M (not to be confused with me, Rue Arrow; I already shared my testimony. Confusing I know, but hang in there) shares her struggles with identity, bullying, feeling like a “misfit” and how she, ultimately, found her belonging in Christ. To learn more about Rue M visit her blog: Full of Grace

*Side note: there is mention of some deeper struggles, but please be assured, her parents and trusted adults are informed of everything mentioned.

Before Jesus 

Hi everyone! Just a quick disclaimer, this testimony is not for my glory. It is for the glory of the One who created me. He orchestrated this story, and all the credit goes to Him. 

I was born and raised in the church. I grew up with Sunday school, Christmas musicals, and VBS. My parents integrated Scripture into my life from a very young age. Yet, still, it wasn’t until I was twelve that I found Christ. And it wasn’t until last year (2021) that I started nurturing my relationship with Him.

I grew up in a loving family, where both love and Veggie Tales music abounded. When I was five, my family traveled to China and adopted my first little sibling. After this, they proceeded to adopt the rest of my siblings. I went to Joni & Friends family camp almost every summer. And I went to church almost every Sunday and I professed faith multiple times throughout my early childhood. I think I wanted a faith. I just wasn’t ready.

But God had a plan, as He always does. 

Knowing Truth But Not Quite Grasping It

Throughout my childhood, I kept on “becoming a Christian.” But each time, it was in name only. There was no fruit. I didn’t grow in God, I just stayed stuck in childhood nonsense. I didn’t even pray much. 

And then, for sixth grade, I started going to a Christian homeschool co-op that operated more like a school. I was suddenly in a school environment! And I was so happy. I had, what I was convinced, were friends, and I was what I thought was a “normal eleven-year-old.”

Then it all came crashing down, and I slowly had to come to terms with the fact that I was being bullied. I didn’t know where to turn, so I caved into myself and laughed off each jab at me. I was fragile, but I refused to show it. Throughout this, I tried out countless identities, and finally settled on being a wannabe VSCO girl. Because, clearly, then I’d fit in, right? 

During this time, I began to realize I was attracted to girls. I developed a crush on a girl at the end of 6th grade, and to be honest, I’m not even sure what I entirely thought of that. I just sorta…ignored it. It was something that I didn’t see as a huge thing, I didn’t care.

Discovering God’s Love

Sixth grade ended, and summer began. I volunteered as an STM (short term missionary) at Joni & Friends that Summer. I also went to a really awesome Christian camp. And that? That was when things finally changed. I found God that summer. Or rather, He found me. He broke through the shell I had created to guard myself, and He changed everything. I’m not sure exactly when, but I’m pretty sure that it was that summer that I finally discovered God’s everlasting love.

Falling Back

Seventh grade started, and I had a plan to reinvent myself. I was going to stop being boisterous, obnoxious me. I was going to be sophisticated and pretty and the kind of girl that everyone liked. Especially boys. I wanted to be one of those popular girls you see on TV. And I actually thought I could be. It couldn’t be that hard, right? Covering up your true self and pretending to be someone else just to fit in always works. (That was sarcastic, in case you couldn’t tell.)

My bubble burst pretty quickly. One of my friends ditched me and then the bullying got worse. I struggled with suicide ideations and then I broke inside. But I kept smiling on the outside, because that’s what I thought everyone wanted me to do. 

The bullying kept getting worse.

One of my happiest moments was ruined by a harsh lie.

And I kept it all in.

I forgot all about God. I fell into a legalistic sort of Christianity. And I didn’t know what to do. I thought that because of the fact that I was struggling with same sex attraction, God was gonna condemn me to hell. I became convinced that the end of the world was coming quickly. And I lived in constant fear.

I, wasn’t happy. I was just broken.

Acting on the Hurt

Seventh grade ended, and I found myself living in the aftermath of it all. But I didn’t know how to deal with it. And so what did I do? I ignored everything and I became intensely depressed. I started starving myself. All I wanted was to die.

That summer, I found a forum online, made some friends, and thought I had finally found safety.

I slowly came to terms with my traumas. I fell into a group of non-Christians. And I slowly began to walk away from my faith. I found a sort of…identity in being LGBTQ. A sense of belonging. They were like me, misfits. For the first time, I was being praised for being into girls.. It felt good. Until it became bad.

I fully embraced this identity, and I started living in constant sin. I didn’t really want out of it. Knowing it was wrong, I was always remorseful, but at the end of the day, I didn’t entirely care. I didn’t care that I was sinning against the God of the universe. I didn’t care that I was walking away from Him. And I didn’t care that I was on the way to hell. I didn’t care about any of it.

Steps Forward

I came back to faith pretty quickly. But this time, it wasn’t Christianity. It was Catholicism. I wanted nothing to do with the Christianity I had grown up with. I wanted Catholicism. Mostly because it wasn’t “Christianity.” Also because the traditions were very cool and aesthetic and I loved them.

My parents supported me being Catholic, and they worked on finding me mental health help. We got me a therapist, and an autism and anxiety diagnosis. 

In the months that followed, I started doing daily devotionals, changed my name to Rue M (as a way of dealing with some of my trauma), and left the online forum.

In November of this year, I finally chose to leave Catholicism and return to protestant Christianity. I realized that the Catholic theology does not line up with what the Bible teaches. I also realized that I had chosen Catholicism because I didn’t want to be associated with Christianity. 

Ephesians 2:1-10

Ephesians 2:1-10 is…definitely something that I feel speaks to my personal testimony. It says “As for you, you were dead in your transgressions and sins, in which you used to live when you followed the ways of this world and of the ruler of the kingdom of the air, the spirit who is now at work in those who are disobedient.  All of us also lived among them at one time, gratifying the cravings of our flesh and following its desires and thoughts. Like the rest, we were by nature deserving of wrath. But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions—it is by grace you have been saved. And God raised us up with Christ and seated us with him in the heavenly realms in Christ Jesus, in order that in the coming ages he might show the incomparable riches of his grace, expressed in his kindness to us in Christ Jesus.  For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God—  not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.” 

I used to be dead in my sin. I was an enemy of the Living God. The One Who holds the stars in His hands, Who knit me together in my mother’s womb. I was His enemy. And yet He saved me. He could have scoffed at me, and been angry with me. But instead? He scooped me out of my pain, and He held me in His hands, and gave me eternal life.

Here and Now

Overall, it’s been a rough couple of years, and I have a feeling that life won’t get much easier anytime soon. However, I am so incredibly grateful for all that has happened. The Lord has carried me through so, so much, and I finally understand how good He truly is. I know a sweet kind of love from Him that only can be found through immense struggle. He saved me. He died on the cross for me. A sinner. He looks at me with so much love, and He won’t ever leave me. He is so incredible and I find myself in awe time and time again over His faithfulness.

I once saw a quote on Pinterest that said “The Bible is the only story where the Hero dies for the villain.” And that is…so true. I was the villain in this story, and yet the Hero died for me. Not because I’m perfect. Not because I did something incredible. But because of how incredibly shattered I am. 

Beauty in Broken

I wish I could say that all of this had a nice and tidy wrap up. That I’m now mentally stable, and that I don’t still struggle with being attracted to girls, and that I’m a super strong Christian. But that’s not how real life works.

The thing is, I’m still incredibly broken. I still deal with anxiety, OCD, depression, and more, on a daily basis. I fall away from God frequently. And I neglect my Bible time so I can spend more time on my phone. I say hurtful things to people. I swear at people. I’m not a perfect Christian. I’m one of the least perfect ones you will ever meet. But…the people God used to further His kingdom were also imperfect Christians. Paul was a murderer. Mary Magdalene was sexually immoral. Matthew was a corrupt tax collector. David took another man’s wife, got her pregnant, killed her husband, and most likely struggled with depression and anxiety.

All throughout the Bible, we see examples of broken people, furthering the kingdom of God. And that’s the beauty of being a Christian; it’s not all about being perfect.

Because we’re ashes, God can make beauty from us. 

I’m glad that I’m broken, because if things were easy, I wouldn’t need Him. I wouldn’t need Him to patch up my wounds and comfort me along the journey to the Celestial City. I am so grateful that He rescued me from… myself…and my flesh.

He…talking about Him gets me teary eyed. He’s the Maker of the moon and the stars and the whole night sky, and He still has time for us.

He truly is worthy of our praise.